Transitioning My Back Massager Into A Vibrator…

Share

I’ve been plagued with back problems my whole life. I got diagnosed with scoliosis at 14 when I struggled doing backbends and anything arabesque in my ballet classes. It was like watching an ironing board doing front handsprings in a gymnastics class. My back just wouldn’t bend. In order to balance out my back deficit I over compensated by being extremely flexible in my hamstrings. I could do the splits all three ways and I even measured my straddle split out at 185 degrees. Take that! But my flexibility only added to my back problems because my lower back and hips were so loose, I was in constant lower back and hip pain even in my teens.

Continue reading

I Traveled Across the Globe to Antarctica and Carrie Fisher Died

Share

December started off with a bang. I went to the Lucasfilm holiday party with my friend Kimberly. We had a ball, I saw old friends, met some new ones and even saw the Rogue One cast. Then I took a National Geographic cruise to Antarctica. It was a magical experience. Every time I looked out my window I saw humpback whales, killer whales, penguins, seals and enormous icebergs. I took part in the polar plunge with 96 other guests by jumping into the Southern ocean, all 30 degrees fahrenheit of it. I had to be pulled out quickly by the crew as I began to hyperventilate. So much for my future in extreme cold water diving. Continue reading

My Medical Marijuana Card!

Share

When I was in high school and college, I smoked my fair amount of pot. Today I believe they call it weed. It made me antisocial and paranoid. I would get a horrible case of the munchies and eat things like a six-pack of twinkies dipping them into a quart of sour cream. No really. My first year at UC Santa Barbara, I lived across the hall from a woman named Julie who was a “wake and baker.” She drove a Camaro and her license plate said HVYMTLR.

This pretty much summed us up Freshman year:

Cheechandchong

Continue reading

Practicing Sober October

Share

So as some of you “may” know, I love to drink! Yay! It’s fun, it tastes so good! I feel great! But sometimes I feel like I overindulge so I decided to practice Sober October this year. Also as I’ve gotten older I notice my body doesn’t recuperate as easily and the added calories don’t disappear as quickly.  Oh and my trainer was getting really frustrated with my lack of weight loss.

This is me practicing Sober October in NYC and at the end of the month I was able to wear a slinky Slave Leia costume:

Woodsy_slave_leia

Continue reading

I Got A Book Deal!

Share

I’m super excited to announce that I will be writing a non-fiction book of inappropriate short stories for Lit Riot Press! I’ll be focusing on the following:

  • Dad/strip clubs/murder/prison
  • Star Wars and allegedly stalking Carrie Fisher
  • Work/men/random hookups
  • Pets and my dead best friend

May the force be with us all!

Here is my author bio:

Laurel Woods: Lit Riot Press Author

And this gif because

via GIPHY

Pops and Parole – What Does It All Mean??

Share

mugshotI woke up on a Thursday morning remembering that Dad’s parole hearing was taking place at that moment. We’d all been preparing for the last couple of years – hiring Dad’s parole attorneys (he was now on his fifth), gathering countless boxes of legal paperwork, organizing letters of support for his release, coaching him on the IRR’s (insight, responsibility and remorse.) Based on what I’d heard about parole hearings, I didn’t expect Dad to be released first time around, just like in Shawshank Redemption when the inmates keep getting denied. Man I loved that movie.

Continue reading

From Dollars To Rupees To Smiles On The Streets of Bombay

Share

 

image

The vada pao, Indian burgers

As beautiful as the world is, there is always a part of me that is saddened by the impoverished, less fortunate people and animals I encounter when traveling. It’s not unusual for me to return home carrying various amounts of guilt.

I donate to a slew of organizations including the ASPCA, International Rescue Committee, Oxfam, Best Friends Society, Medecins Sans Frontieres and Heifer International. I carry cat and dog food, and am always buying animals food on the go. Continue reading

I Dated A Married Dude And All I Got Was a Vibrating Necklace

Share
IMG_4792

The night we hooked up.

So I dated a married dude. There, I said it. If I had a girlfriend that was having an affair with a married man, I’d have told her what a fool she was. Until it happened to me. I met Henry at a tech conference in Boston in 2007. I stared at the back of his neck for three days and thought, “That guy is so cute and so gay.” Henry was a Brit – why do all the European men wear their clothes so tight? I met up with him and his boss for cocktails and we all exchanged info. Turned out Henry was married with a little girl, and was the head of development for a video games company in London.

Continue reading

My Dead Best Friend’s Deodorant

Share

IMG_0095.JPG

My best friend Anne died suddenly from a brain aneurysm almost two years ago. It was devastating and still is. To lose that one person that really gets you. We used to say we were each others’ life partners. She had a husband but if we were both gay, we would totally be together. I was never close with her husband until after she died. At the hospital when she was on life support, he was nothing but kind and gracious with me. I was her last roommate before she moved in with him, so in a sense I felt like the other woman at the hospital with his family.

Continue reading